Welcome, folks, to the age of the internet where your child is one voice command away from Alexa, shattering their innocence. From the weather forecast to the latest dance moves, Alexa is the oracle of our age. But when it comes to
the birds and the bees, I’d rather be the one to explain the intricacies of human reproduction to my pre-kindergartener, and you should, too!
I get it; when we think of sex education, we think of an age group far from 5 years old, and truth be told, many adults shy away from the topic due to their limited knowledge of the subject. I am here to tell you there is an age-appropriate response! I know, I know, at the moment, I froze, but
I did take the opportunity to go back to the conversation. I could have said, “Alexa, tell her!” and watched the chaos unfold. But images of my daughter going to school the next day saying, “Alexa told me how babies are really made,” followed by a parent-teacher conference featuring raised eyebrows, stopped me.
So, I took a deep breath and remembered that if I didn’t step in with the right level of information, Alexa damn sure wouldn’t, and I would have to use much more energy to undo the damage done than if I just shared what I knew in 5-year-old language. Once we pulled up to the park, I sent her brother to the park (he had already had this talk) and went back to, “Well, it starts with a conversation where a decision is made…” and went on to explain, “Mommy’s have a womb in their tummy, you have one too. You also have all the eggs you will ever have in two lil
sacs called your ovaries. The daddy has seeds. Once they decide to be parents, he gives the mommy a tiny seed, possibly, that swims to the egg. The seed and egg dance in the womb, and baby grows.” Her response was, “I have eggs in me?”
"That’s all ya got, huh?" I responded.
“Yup!” She said, “I don’t wanna be a mommy,” and hopped out of the car.
I sat there stunned, heart racing and staring off at an imaginary camera, waiting to give my solo interview, and then I laughed. Like many children, she just wanted knowledge and not to be shrugged off! This was a reminder for me, and I hope it serves as a wake-up call to you.
As parents, we are privileged to be our children’s first line of information; it is NOT a responsibility we should take lightly or pass off. If we don’t embrace these teaching moments, our kids might turn to Alexa, Google, or another child who is just as clueless and won’t hesitate to spill the factual or not-so-factual proverbial beans.
The moral of the story? It’s high time we step up our game because, in this digital age, your home’s AI will happily take over if you’re not quick on your parental feet. And trust me; you don’t want to be upstaged by a gadget when it comes to the talk about where babies come from. So, do it before Alexa does—because she will, and she won’t even blush!
Need help? Adult sex education exists and is available to you; reach out if you need assistance responding in an age- appropriate manner. Unsure of what you know, that’s ok. I promise you are not the only one!
Jessica C. Vann is a licensed professional counselor meeting moms at the intersection of parenting and maintaining intimate relationships specializing in sex & relationships. She is a renaissance woman working as clinic director of Ellie Mental Health, founder & Executive Director of Mommy’s Hood Community Wellness Fund, a 501 (C)(3) aimed at bringing awareness to maternal health care disparities, and owner of her newest endeavor Invision Empowerment, educating & motivating others! Jessica is a wife of 10 years to her loving husband & partner Carl; and mother to her 11 year old son & 5 year old daughter! There’s also a fur baby, Phoenix which means, there’s NEVER a dull moment at the Vann household!
]]>Written By: Jessica C. Vann
Generally, when I write, I like to keep things light. However, working in the space of shining light on maternal healthcare disparities for Black and Brown women, some topics cannot be shied away from. Beyoncé has been surprisingly candid about spontaneous pregnancy loss, talking about her experience in interviews and writing songs like “Heaven Couldn’t Wait,” Is her latest hit, “16 Carriages,” yet another ode to loss and a call for Black mothers to embrace their loss?
This track, like many of her works, is not just a melodic journey but a narrative that delves deep into the human experience. This song seems to illuminate a topic that is far too often overlooked – the experience of miscarriage as it pertains to Black women. Through her lyrics, she offers a reflection on her personal journey and shines a light on a broader social issue that needs attention and understanding.
The Lyrics and Their Meaning
“Sixteen carriages driving away / While I watch them ride with my dreams away” – these somber yet reflective lyrics start us on a metaphorical journey representing the dreams and hopes that are found during pregnancies and lost with a miscarriage. This imagery is powerful, evoking a sense of something precious being taken away, a journey cut short.
The “summer sunset on a holy night / On a long back road, all the tears I fight” paints a picture of solitude and the internal struggle accompanying such a loss.
The first verse describes a challenging past, indicating a loss of innocence and the complexities of familial relationships.
“Sixteen dollars, workin’ all day/ Ain’t got time to waste, I got art to make/ I got love to create on this holy night/ They won’t dim my light, all these years I fight”
When I initially heard these lyrics I thought, “Beyonce has NEVER worked a 9-5...what is this about and it was at maybe the 3rd listen that I thought, “She’s speaking about the momma’s that have no other choice but to keep going.” These lyrics spoke to the broader experience of many Black women, who often face socio-economic challenges, familial strife, and engage in the “art” of pushing down traumatic experiences and make something out of nothing.
It’s not all darkness. The pre-chorus highlights resilience in the face of adversity. “It’s been umpteen summers, and I’m not in my bed / On the back of the bus, and a bunk with the band / Goin’ so hard gotta choose myself / Underpaid and overwhelmed.” Even the Queen can acknowledge the hard work and perseverance required to overcome obstacles, a sentiment that resonates with many.
Spontaneous Pregnancy Loss: A Silent Struggle
You may have seen that I switch between the use of the word “miscarriage” and the phrase “spontaneous pregnancy loss.” The truth is I HATE the term “miscarriage.” Outside of pregnancy, the term is widely used in the justice system and implies some wrongdoing. In momma land, spontaneous pregnancy loss can happen to NO fault of the mother. I use the familiar word to ensure people pick up what I put down. However, I challenge you to begin to use spontaneous pregnancy loss. For Black women whose bodies are already so policed and
often made to be seen as wrong, this helps to remove guilt and shame.
Sadly, I can attest to the devastating experience of spontaneous pregnancy loss and the additional complexities it carries for Black women. Due to a combination of socio-economic factors, healthcare disparities, bias, cultural stigmas, and self-blame, Black women often face this journey in silence and without adequate support. Studies have shown that Black women are more likely to experience spontaneous pregnancy compared to their white counterparts. Tommy’s National Centre for Miscarriage Research published a paper showing that Black women had a 43% increased risk of miscarriage compared to white women, yet this is rarely discussed in public forums. This lack of conversation and awareness leads to profound isolation and misunderstanding. Guilt, loss, and inadequacy haunt all women who experience spontaneous pregnancy loss; however, Black women are forced to lean on the same medical community that discards them for aftercare.
The Cultural Context
Resilience has been the hallmark of the Black community. Oddly enough, the word Itself perplexes me. RE-SILENCE. Sadly, where it pertains to spontaneous pregnancy loss, I see it as being forced to be re-SILENT. We are not encouraged to speak out about our pain, and in hospitals where professionals are trained to believe that our tolerance for pain is superhuman, we do not believe. When our pain leads to loss, we are pushed even further into the shadows and
told to push our trauma down.
Beyoncé’s Role as a Cultural Icon
I could be so far off on what Beyoncé’s “16 Carriages” is about, but the message it has stirred up in me is essential nonetheless. Her decision to address spontaneous pregnancy loss in interviews and her music is a beacon of light shining on the plight of all Black women, women working a 9-5 to those in the upper echelons such as Gabrielle Union, First Lady Michelle Obama, and Queen Bey herself. As a globally recognized figure and a Black woman, she brings visibility to a topic often shrouded in silence. Her music serves as a powerful tool for initiating conversations, spreading awareness, and helping to destigmatize spontaneous pregnancy loss among Black women. Her lyrics reflect her personal experiences and resonate with the collective experiences of many women. By sharing her story, Beyoncé provides comfort and validation to those who have felt alone in their struggles.
Healing from Pregnancy Loss
We must first acknowledge that the loss of a pregnancy will never heal. The journey of healing is forever. Healing is a deeply personal journey, and while I can’t give you a one-size approach to this work, here are some steps that can help in the healing process:
• Acknowledge the Loss: Pregnancy loss is not just the loss of a pregnancy but the loss of future hopes and dreams.
• Seek Support: Finding a support system, whether it be friends, family, support groups, or professional counseling, can provide much-needed comfort and understanding.
• Have the Conversations: Open discussions about pregnancy help to break the stigma and isolation and can be a powerful way to work towards healing and sharing in someone else’s healing journey.
• Self-Care: Engaging in self-care practices, such as mindfulness, meditation, or gentle physical activity, can help in managing the emotional and physical aftermath of a miscarriage.
• Education and Advocacy: Educating oneself about pregnancy loss and advocating for better healthcare and support for Black women can be empowering and contribute to broader societal change.
The Way Forward
Beyoncé’s “16 Carriages” is a call to action. It urges us to pay attention to the often-ignored struggles of Black mothers, particularly regarding pregnancy loss. This song can serve as a catalyst for change, prompting better healthcare, more open conversations, and a society that supports rather than stigmatizes. In the end, healing from a pregnancy loss, especially in the context of the Black community, requires a collective effort. It involves acknowledging the unique challenges faced, providing support, and, most importantly, creating a space where women can share their stories without fear or judgment. Through her music, Beyoncé has once again demonstrated her ability to entertain, enlighten, and inspire. “16 Carriages” is a testament to the power of art in effecting social change and the strength of the human spirit in the face of adversity.
Mommy’s Hood: A Source of Strength and Support in Your Journey
As we discuss the complexities and emotional challenges of motherhood, particularly in the wake of experiences like spontaneous pregnancy loss, it’s vital to highlight resources that provide support and understanding. This brings us to Mommy’s Hood Community Wellness Fund. Mommy’s Hood is a sanctuary for mothers navigating the multifaceted paths of motherhood. It empathizes with the struggles and celebrates the triumphs of being a mother. Whether you’re dealing with the uncertainties of pregnancy, the demanding yet rewarding task of raising children, or seeking healing after a pregnancy load, Mommy’s Hood offers a comforting and supportive space.
The platform stands out for its comprehensive approach to maternal wellness. It provides expert-backed support and an active community of mothers who share their experiences and wisdom.
Through Mommy’s Hood, mothers can access a wealth of resources, ranging from educational content on various aspects of maternal health to education on your rights as a birthing body, self-advocacy, and forums for personal stories and guidance. Moreover, Mommy’s Hood recognizes the unique challenges faced in the aftermath of a pregnancy loss. It offers specialized support groups led by empathetic professionals dedicated to guiding mothers through their healing journey. This aspect of Mommy’s Hood is particularly resonant with the themes discussed in Beyoncé’s “16 Carriages,” emphasizing the need for a supportive network during such difficult times. Incorporating a resource like Mommy’s Hood into the narrative of motherhood, especially in the context of the black community, is a step towards breaking the silence and isolation surrounding miscarriage and maternal challenges. It’s a testament to the power of community and shared
experiences in fostering healing and resilience. In essence, Mommy’s Hood is not just a platform; it’s a family that nurtures and uplifts the spirit of every mother. It aligns perfectly with the message of strength and support that Beyoncé echoes in her music, reminding us that in the world of motherhood, no one is alone.
Jessica C. Vann is a licensed professional counselor meeting moms at the intersection of parenting and maintaining intimate relationships specializing in sex & relationships. She is a renaissance woman working as clinic director of Ellie Mental Health, founder & Executive Director of Mommy’s Hood Community Wellness Fund, a 501 (C)(3) aimed at bringing awareness to maternal health care disparities, and owner of her newest endeavor Invision Empowerment, educating & motivating others! Jessica is a wife of 10 years to her loving husband & partner Carl; and mother to her 11 year old son & 5 year old daughter! There’s also a fur baby, Phoenix which means, there’s NEVER a dull moment at the Vann household!
Jessica C. Vann is a licensed professional counselor supervisor candidate, Clinic Director of Ellie Mental Health Columbia Vista, Owner of InVision Counseling & Invision Empowerment Motivational Speaking, and Founder & Director of Mommy’s Hood Community Wellness Fund 501(c)(3). Her mission is to help mothers find and live as their authentic selves while prioritizing self-care, raising happy and healthy children, and maintaining intimate relationships. She creates safe spaces for women in their many roles, especially motherhood. Jessica has been a wife for 10 years to her loving husband & partner Carl; and mother to her 11 year old son & 5 year old daughter and has a furbaby named Phoenix.
]]>I was a 6th grade teacher and y'all know what the current state of education is...if you don't, just know that the bar is in hell, especially in NC. The pay already sucks, but my passion for teaching is what kept me there. Last Wednesday (10/26) that passion ran the f*ck out and so did I.
Teaching was stressing me OUT. I was leaving work everyday with a headache. I would come home irritable and aggravated. I dreaded driving to that school everyday. It was affecting my ability to be the best mama to my baby and that's where I had to draw the line. There isn't one thing on this Earth that comes before my baby boy.
My original resignation date was November 18, but mentally I was already checked out. I do miss my students and my coworkers, but I can't lie - being able to take my baby to the park on Tuesday for the first time in the middle of the day trumped all of that. I have not landed another full-time job & I really don't plan to. I may snag a part-time something just so I have a constant stream of income coming in, but I have no desire to go back to spending 40+ hours on somebody's else's clock.
I have one business that's pretty established, one I'm launching in a few days and another one that still in the early stages but it's coming together. I have 66 apps on my phone that I can turn on and make some money. I'm going to be okay. If you've been hesitating to take a leap in anything - do it. I understand if financially you can't just quit like I did - but go ahead and make an exit plan.
Life is too short to spend 40 hours a week at a place you hate with people you don't like....
I've started this blog post and erased it so many times. I was originally going to post it last weekend, but I hesitated. I really don't know how to start it - so let's just jump right into it, shall we??
I had my first child on March 29, 2022. His father has 6 other kids with 5 other women. Yes, you read that right. I already know what you're thinking...
GIRL - WHAT THE FUCK???
Yeah I know - that shit sounds insane. & a trip to the clinic sounds like a no-brainer. If one of my friends told me they were in this situation I'd tell them to sprint to the nearest chop shop. But when it came down to me making that decision, I couldn't go through with the procedure. I had it scheduled for August 9th at 11:30am. Clearly I missed that appointment.
I know a lot of people of wondering why in the hell would I have a man's 7th child? Why would I even sleep with someone knowing that he had a gang of kids? For one, my baby daddy is charming & he's kind of cute, lol. I never planned to have more than a summer fling with him, so the number of kids and other bms he has wasn't my business. I never planned to get pregnant, let alone by him.
When I got pregnant last summer, I had just turned 29. In 2019 and 2020, I lost my closest uncle and my grandmother; I felt that this baby was sent from them. I was with my ex for 6 years and didn't have a child. I got pregnant 2 months after meeting my bd. & mind y'all - I had been dating for a couple years and didn't get pregnant. I firmly believe that my son has a purpose here. He is supposed to be here.
But on the flip side, I am ashamed. I'm not ashamed of my son by any means, but I am ashamed of myself. I created another broken household. I'm a single woman with a 3 month old. My son is a statistic. He has a great dad but we aren't together. This was not how I imagined I'd bring a child into the world but it's a clear consequence of me being irresponsible. There's always a chance you'll get shot when you play Russian Roulette.
I love my son with everything in me, but I do wish that I had him under different circumstances. I wish I was in a committed relationship. Sometimes the guilt I feel rocks me to my core. I'm raising a black boy in this world without his father being in the home. I was raised in a 2 parent household & my brothers and I have the same mama and daddy. I wanted the same for my kids. It may not seem like a big deal to most, but it's a huge deal to me, and that's probably why EJ is going to be my only child.
Some days I feel like I'm going through grief. I mourn my pre-pregnancy days. I miss being able to get up and go whenever. When my son is inconsolable, I find myself crying right along with him. I was battling depression before, but now PPD is whooping my ass. I haven't had a truly good day in I don't know how long. I have okay days and days where I'm miserable. Some days it really takes everything inside of me just to get up. Some days, his little gummy smile the only thing that keeps me from going over the edge.
Navigating coparenting, motherhood, depression, sleep deprivation, etc. etc. etc. has been a wild ride so far. But that little boy in my picture is worth the fight. I battle myself every damn day. I've thought about taking myself off this Earth. But I know there's no love like a mother's love, and my baby boy needs me. So I'm going to continue to fight so I can be the best mama for him and give him everything he deserves. Even though I had him at 29, I could've waited another 3-4 years tbh. But he's here now, and it's my job to give him the best life ever.
Ciera' Harris is the founder of Black Girl Thriving, The Black Mama Collective, and Read & Go Traveling Book Club. She is also a certified ELA teacher. Her passion is serving Black women & she does that through social media, events, and blogging. She loves helping people, animals, and being in nature. She is the mother to 1 son and 2 pitbulls. She is based in Charlotte, NC.
IG: @blackgirlthriving/@theblackmamacollective/@readandgobookclub
]]>“I call my students ‘my kids’ because in one year together they aren’t just kids on my class list, they are part of my heart.” – Anonymous
I am a Professional School Counselor at the high school level. This is my second school year in the profession and I see myself doing this for a while. Maybe not where I’m located, but this could be the career I retire in. My late friend/sister/mentor, Lynn Douglas, put me onto this career back in 2016. I was searching for another career path that allowed me to work one-on-one with kids. At the time I was working in a childcare center and was fortunate enough to stay with the same group of kids until they moved on to Kindergarten. They too, felt like my kids but that’s a story for another day. During that time, I saw a need in my class where particular students needed a little extra loving or support in the classroom. I wanted to do something that would give me the opportunity to address that, but I didn’t know what that “something” could be.
While working at the childcare center, I was on the marching band staff at my brother’s high school. My group of talented instrumentalists had grown to confide in me about their academics, personal concerns, and everything under the sun. Anyone who knows me knows that I will brag about my kids, post funny anecdotes, or pictures (with permission). Lynn saw that and suggested I get my license to be a school counselor. She had been one for a few years herself. I’d never thought about being a counselor, but after speaking with Lynn and realizing that a school counselor does exactly what I said I wanted to do, it was the obvious choice for my next career. I applied to my alma mater, North Carolina Central University, in 2016 and I received my Masters in School Counseling in 2019.
To my students, I’m not just their counselor. To them I’m “Mom”, “Mama”, “Auntie”, and “Cuz”. I absolutely love my kids with all my heart. And to me, they are my “big babies”. Unfortunately, I have a medical condition that will impact the birthing process of my own biological children in the future. I desire to have a husband and a family and I talk to God about it daily. My faith holds my belief that I’ll have that, but until then I have gracious parents who’ve lent their children to me eight hours a day. The love I receive from my students truly warms my heart and makes my job worthwhile. My birthday was in May and to my surprise as I walked to my office, my door was decorated with balloons, cards, and pictures, all done by my kids and a few staff members. They have a video of me crying; I was overwhelmed because I had never been celebrated like that before.
I’ve known these students for a little over a year and a half, but from our bond you’d think I’ve known them since they were younger. I’m not your typical counselor, my coworkers will tell you that. Some may not agree with my methods, but at the end of the day my duty is to support the whole child and that’s what I intend to do. Because of our bond, I know what goes in my kids’ lives outside of school. One of them works two jobs to help supplement their mother’s income, and another travels from one city to another for school because they live with their grandmother who has custody of them due to their mother passing away last year. They both came into my office one day tired, and couldn't keep their eyes open long enough to answer any questions. What did I do? I placed blankets over them and let them sleep. Yes, their teachers were upset that they were sleeping in my office instead of being in class, but they would’ve been even more upset had they went to class and fell asleep there.
Like a parent, I’m an active participant in my kids’ academics and extracurricular activities. They’ll ask for letters of recommendation, help applying for scholarships, college applications, and jobs. I've been to their games, tryouts, theater events, and etc. One of my seniors didn’t have an escort for Senior Night and they asked if I could step in for their absent parent. Another informed me they didn’t have a winter coat so, with permission from their mother, I gave them some of my winter coats I could no longer fit or don’t wear anymore. I could go on for hours about what I’ve done for them, but it’s when I get notes from them thanking me for being a force in their lives and that they love me that motivates me to be there for them. It’s not always sunshine and daisies because they can get on my nerves (the whole nervous system sometimes), but I could honestly do this forever if it means I get to love up a child and help them progress through life.
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Growing up in a two parent household, I had dreams, goals, and a vision for how I would like to start my own family. As I got older and made my own decisions, I did things that made me feel comfort, not realizing that with every decision I should consider longevity.
I became a single mother at the age of 26 to my son. I truly love my son, with everything in me and this will be until I take my last breath and beyond.
Now that I’ve started with a foundation, allow me to be honest in this written piece. I am now a 33 year old single woman, who struggles with fairytale versus reality. Every single day, I tap into my comfort zone by planning and visualizing the life I want for my son and I. I dwell on my talents, such as writing and marketing to fulfill my daily schedule. This has been my mindset for
so long, to the point where I’m just tired of myself. My son deserves a mother that is intelligent enough to make effective decisions.
I don’t believe in suffering and extreme sacrifice, but it’s the reality that is needed here. We are living in unfortunate times of inflation, a seller's housing
market, underpaid jobs plus more. So, what do we do?
When having kids, we absolutely want the best for them, and ourselves as well. We are eager to never give up on our dreams, but when do we start to manifest our kids’ dreams? My son is only 6, so I tell myself, there’s time for that, but is it really?
After living through a pandemic, time is more unpredictable than ever. We have no clue what tomorrow will hold, if it ever comes. This is my indifference, seeing a better life for my seed and I, but not knowing where to start.
I do believe though, that the best beginning comes from a place of happiness and peace, whatever that may be. I could start with a simple task, like a road trip for us, a Mommy and Son vacation, something small. I want my son to see the both of us, happy together and effectively thriving. He sees it now, but with understanding that I could attain the life that I dreamed of as a little girl, I know that I have work to do. As I date myself, I am healing, and learning who I am, what makes me happy, what intrigues me, and so on. I feel that spending this time with me will help me be the best for my son, and for my heart to stay open for unconditional love to complete our family.
To the Mommies that read this, just know that our thoughts and feelings are valid. It’s fine to feel like we have more work to do before feeling fulfilled. Just because we have kids, does not mean this is our absolute purpose, it is an amazing and effortless plus to our overall puzzle, but we are the pieces that must come together.
I am Hannah C. I am a mother to one son. My passion is marketing and journalism. I thoroughly enjoy being a voice for information and entertainment. My aim is to keep the art of journalism alive, by writing stories for the community to embrace. FB Like Page: The HannahC, IG: @the.HannahC
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Part of the mission of The Black Mama Collective is to provide guidance on this beautiful journey called motherhood and with everything going on in the world his community is needed now more than ever. This is a safe space for all of us to learn, vent, and just be ourselves.
As a parent one of the main concerns you have is your child’s safety. From the moment they make their arrival into the world you wonder how you will protect them, whether it means shielding them from the bad in the world or simply kissing a scrape on their knee. Being overprotective is a natural instinct, but it can cause you to lose sight of the little things that make parenthood so special.
Today I want to discuss actions you can take now to make lasting memories.
1. Take pictures & videos. - As an auntie I love spending time with my nieces, a great way to remember the memories we make is taking pictures and videos. Documenting special moments is so easy now that we have smartphones easily capable of capturing time with our children.
2. Create Lasting Memories- Memories don’t have to be made only on vacation they can be made right in your own backyard. As a child my family couldn’t afford to go on vacations very often but I do remember having memories of spending the summer being outside playing and spending quality time with my family.
3. Make your own Traditions - Creating your own traditions for your family doesn’t have to only be around Christmas and Thanksgiving. They can be created at any time of the year and be unique to your family's lifestyle.
4. Words of Affirmation- In addition to showing your kids love through your actions nothing beats verbally expressing your love. Our kids need to hear that regardless of what mistakes they make nothing can change the love we have for them.
Affirmations to remember:
I am doing my best to provide the safest environment for my children.
Regardless of the chaos around me and my family I still have the courage to live my life.
Cherishing the moments money can’t buy with people that are irreplaceable.
Crystal Moungle is a Charlotte native with a passion for writing poetry and short stories. She began creative writing at the age of thirteen and has been writing ever since. As an auntie of two and godmother, she enjoys empowering those around her through sharing her knowledge and experiences. In addition to creative writing Crystal also enjoys sharing tips for financial literacy and money management tips. Follow her on IG: @CrystalM_theauthor
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