Becoming Baby Mama # ___

**Disclaimer: This post does contain profanity. Not too much, but it is  there**

I've started this blog post and erased it so many times. I was originally going to post it last weekend, but I hesitated. I really don't know how to start it - so let's just jump right into it, shall we??

I had my first child on March 29, 2022. His father has 6 other kids with 5 other women. Yes, you read that right. I already know what you're thinking...

GIRL - WHAT THE FUCK???

Yeah I know - that shit sounds insane. & a trip to the clinic sounds like a no-brainer. If one of my friends told me they were in this situation I'd tell them to sprint to the nearest chop shop. But when it came down to me making that decision, I couldn't go through with the procedure. I had it scheduled for August 9th at 11:30am. Clearly I missed that appointment. 

I know a lot of people of wondering why in the hell would I have a man's 7th child? Why would I even sleep with someone knowing that he had a gang of kids? For one, my baby daddy is charming & he's kind of cute, lol. I never planned to have more than a summer fling with him, so the number of kids and other bms he has wasn't my business. I never planned to get pregnant, let alone by him.

When I got pregnant last summer, I had just turned 29. In 2019 and 2020, I lost my closest uncle and my grandmother; I felt that this baby was sent from them. I was with my ex for 6 years and didn't have a child. I got pregnant 2 months after meeting my bd. & mind y'all - I had been dating for a couple years and didn't get pregnant. I firmly believe that my son has a purpose here. He is supposed to be here. 

But on the flip side, I am ashamed. I'm not ashamed of my son by any means, but I am ashamed of myself. I created another broken household. I'm a single woman with a 3 month old. My son is a statistic. He has a great dad but we aren't together. This was not how I imagined I'd bring a child into the world but it's a clear consequence of me being irresponsible. There's always a chance you'll get shot when you play Russian Roulette. 

I love my son with everything in me, but I do wish that I had him under different circumstances. I wish I was in a committed relationship. Sometimes the guilt I feel rocks me to my core. I'm raising a black boy in this world without his father being in the home. I was raised in a 2 parent household & my brothers and I have the same mama and daddy. I wanted the same for my kids. It may not seem like a big deal to most, but it's a huge deal to me, and that's probably why EJ is going to be my only child. 

Some days I feel like I'm going through grief. I mourn my pre-pregnancy days. I miss being able to get up and go whenever. When my son is inconsolable, I find myself crying right along with him. I was battling depression before, but now PPD is whooping my ass. I haven't had a truly good day in I don't know how long. I have okay days and days where I'm miserable.  Some days it really takes everything inside of me just to get up. Some days, his little gummy smile the only thing that keeps me from going over the edge. 

Navigating coparenting, motherhood, depression, sleep deprivation, etc. etc. etc. has been a wild ride so far. But that little boy in my picture is worth the fight. I battle myself every damn day. I've thought about taking myself off this Earth. But I know there's no love like a mother's love, and my baby boy needs me. So I'm going to continue to fight so I can be the best mama for him and give him everything he deserves. Even though I had him at 29, I could've waited another 3-4 years tbh. But he's here now, and it's my job to give him the best life ever. 

Ciera' Harris is the founder of Black Girl Thriving, The Black Mama Collective, and Read & Go Traveling Book Club. She is also a certified ELA teacher. Her passion is serving Black women & she does that through social media, events, and blogging. She loves helping people, animals, and being in nature. She is the mother to 1 son and 2 pitbulls. She is based in Charlotte, NC. 

IG: @blackgirlthriving/@theblackmamacollective/@readandgobookclub